I was discussing mental disorders with one of my friends today. I have actually known her for about 17 years (although we weren’t friends for about six of them and just became friends again recently). She like everyone else was surprised to learn I have bipolar. Her reasoning is that the bipolar people she knows are very self-destructive and lose control easily. I said I’m an extremely rational person and hide my crazy well. She knows I have depression, and I had it really badly when I lived with her my freshman year of college. She said she never did anything or said anything because I always seemed to have control over it. I take care of myself a lot because I know that no one else will, so I have to force myself to deal with things. I get the same feelings of intense rage and excitement that other bipolar II people get, but I guess I just keep it under control better. It’s funny because I told her I wish I didn’t because it gets exhausting taking care of one’s self all the time. She said she wishes she could take care of herself more because unlike me she has people looking after her and trying to figure out what is wrong and being there to help her when she needs it. She’d rather be independent and functional. I guess I’m glad I have the ability to not let my disorder get the better of me, but it still does manifest itself, but people see it as rather I’m just being moody or I’m a bitch or that’s just my personality. In a way it is my personality but not really.

My roommates found out recently that I am bipolar, and of course they were both surprised. I told my female roommate that those times of severe verbal diarrhea I have are because of it, but it doesn’t seem like a problem because she enjoys it. She laughed and agreed. People don’t think your crazy is a problem when it’s entertaining.

I’ve become more open about it because my depression has kicked in a lot more lately, and I do worry about what may happen, and I don’t think I’ll always be able to keep things under control. Then again, I don’t think telling people matters because they don’t seem to believe me or think it’s a problem or realize how severe it is. I come across as much too self-reliant and self-sufficient. It’s hard to say if I am that way because I have to be or if that’s just me. That’s another thing my friend and I discussed, how with mental disorders it’s hard to determine what behaviours are due to the disorder or are actually what most people would do…since we all have our moments of crazy.